I Met My Soulmate, It Sucked.
There are moments in life that shimmer with Divine intervention…
Those undeniable instances when you know, with every fibre of your being, that you're being guided by something greater than yourself. Often, these miraculous moments arrive as answered prayers, lifelines thrown to our souls crying out from the depths. A cosmic lifeboat, if you will.
I've experienced these moments more than once, and something in me wonders if they almost make the pain of rock bottom worth it, just to witness the Divine at work.
For years, I found myself trapped in what felt like an impossible situation.
I spent my days dreaming of "the one" while simultaneously being haunted by someone I didn't even want to be with. It was frustrating, wanting nothing more than to move forward but constantly being yanked back to the past.
I carried this aching for partnership, a soul deep longing that held "life will truly begin when I find my person." But here's where my experience took an unhelpful and unexpected turn: I was completely hung up on my ex. Not in a nostalgic way, but in a "why are you haunting my dreams when I don't even like you that much?" way.
My heart physically ached during this time and that's not a metaphor. I remember sharp pain dead in the center of my chest while watching romantic films, the ache and longing for a partner was real.
We’d been broken up for years, yet there he was - wandering through my thoughts like he owned the place, showing up in dreams (definitely) uninvited and somehow making me incredibly uninterested in any potential new partner. Meanwhile, he had moved on at this point to a new relationship, which left me stuck in this strange kind of emotional purgatory.
Even when we decided to break up, we were on and off again for another two years.
Seemingly like magnets, neither of us wanted to keep coming back but we would continually be drawn together again. It was painful, confusing and extremely disempowering. I’d describe it to friends, saying it felt like we were in some kind of robotic trance with no choice in the matter. *Insert protective friend eye roll* but I was telling the truth!
As I sat down to write this article, my mother coincidentally (is there such a thing) delivered me an old diary I wrote to myself years ago.
Flicking through the pages, I saw them - the (multiple) diary entries about my ex, trying to wrap my head around this strange pull "I keep having dreams about him. Why? Do I miss him? Is it because I'm scared of the future? Like I tried [to move on] and it didn't work so now I want him back?"
“That kind of makes sense (maybe?). I mean it’s completely stupid and counter-productive and probably the very thing that is keeping me from my dreams...but I guess it makes sense.”
I laugh at the fact that even then I knew, nope, this can not be right, what in the hell is going on.
I go on to ask the Universe to help me out. Begging for a clear sign and promising with my word I’ll listen. It made me smile and hold my younger self in such compassion - reading her painful, yet humorous (and a little dramatic) recount of something that caused a lot of disharmony and hurt in her life.
I felt smug and excited for her knowing how it all works out completely in her favour. But at the time, she couldn’t see the forest from the trees.
I was someone who had no issue traveling to the depths, sitting in the pain, navigating the darkness.
When I tell you I tried, I really tried. I journaled, processed, cried, cut cords, did trauma work, group work, healing sessions, put enormous amounts of energy into manifesting a new partner, recited (countless) affirmations. Yet it felt like I was stuck in an impossible loop, that time (and effort) weren’t healing.
Enter my spiritual mentor, a woman my mother introduced me to when I was 18 who lived down the road.
She promised to dive into my Akashic Records to get to the root of what I was experiencing. The Akashic Records was a concept I was unfamiliar with at the time. She explained it to me as a cosmic library that holds all your experiences as a Soul - including every choice, action and thought across all your incarnations (past and present).
What she discovered literally made my jaw drop and not because it was a great story, but because hearing it caused my entire whole body and energy to exhale with a kind of knowing recognition.
In a previous lifetime, wrapped in the intensity of impending separation and the high emotion and intensity of war, my ex and I had made a promise..
..to love only each other, forever. The kind of vow that sounds beautifully romantic until you realise it follows you across lifetimes drawing you together again and again. In that incarnation, after creating this Contract, my ex went to war and never returned. I felt this pain in my bones also. It felt like there was definitely a part of me that remembered this, a part I couldn’t explain but I could feel.
But here's where the real magic happened. The experience that made a newcomer to this work and someone that could be quite the skeptic, listen up.
Once I cleared this Soulmate Contract, a process that felt both profound and surprisingly simple, something miraculous unfolded.
The dreams stopped. The obsessive thoughts just dissolved. I looked at this person who had consumed so much of my mental state and felt... nothing. Not anger, not longing, not even annoyance. Just peaceful neutrality and genuine wishes for him.
I was free. Who would have thought? After all this time...the solution, it seemed, was a mere 5 minutes down the road. When the time was right, the key was revealed, and it was pretty much in my backyard. After what seemed like such a hard road, it all ended up being resolved surprisingly easily.
The relief was so powerful, it took me a minute to register what I had experienced. After years of trying everything from therapy to desperately trying to find the lesson I was being asked to learn (through many different practices and modalities), this felt like finding the off switch to a song that had been playing on repeat in my head.
This experience had such a deep impact on me that I knew my future involved working deeply within the Akasha.
Now I spend my days helping other women untangle from these invisible threads, and let me tell you, the relief in their voices when they realise they're not crazy or destined to pine after the ex forever, they're just carrying baggage from lifetimes they don't even remember, it never gets old.
If you find yourself nodding along to this story, you might recognise some of these symptoms of holding a Soulmate Contract:
Having constant dreams about your ex that feel more like visitations than memories
Consciously not wanting to be with them but still feeling an undeniable pull
You may not have even loved them that much when you were together, but you still feel
inexplicably drawn and connected
Your ex felt like "home" and no one else compares, even if they didn't treat you
particularly well
You now feel shut down and bitter about love, despite your heart's deepest desires
Your thoughts constantly return to your ex, no matter how much time has passed
You're exhausting yourself searching for "The One" while everyone else feels inadequate
I work with an integrated approach, drawing on multiple modalities and ways of working but nine times out of ten, the women who come to me with relationship struggles are holding a past life energetic block that's hindering them, such as a Soulmate Contract. While these contracts may sound romantic, they are actually incredibly disempowering, meaning souls come back together again and again over many incarnations even when it no longer serves them to do so.
What hindsight has delivered me is that this experience wasn't just a cosmic joke, it just was. Whether you believe in past lives or soul contracts or not, it doesn't matter. It simply is. And what I was delivered were signs and support to help me in a rather simple and powerful way once I was ready.
This experience gave me such appreciation for relationships on a deeper, more profound level. It showed me the support of universal energy constantly swirling around us, the power we hold within ourselves, and how simply we can shift incredibly strong experiences that have been plaguing us.
Now I live with my partner Lloyd and our beautiful (and extremely human-like) dog, Teddy.
Our love is a much different kind of love than what I felt previously, and I am forever grateful I know this is a partnership I'm in because I chose it, not because I felt like I had no choice.
It's not the visions of the perfect partner and grand gestures my younger self day dreamed of. It's a gentler kind of love, of two people committing to growing and learning together. Not perfect, but real. And maybe that's the kind of partnership my soul wanted all along.
The type of secure love that has been a safe space to unravel all my unprocessed relationship issues - and (definitely) not tied in a perfect bow. This relationship has seen my support, my anchor and gently reframed what loving partnership means to me.
The type of love that doesn’t call for perfection, but presence.